I am finally beginning to identify with the wise old sage inside of me. She smiles warmly looking back at younger versions of myself knowing that all will be ok. I am coming to realize that I am one of the must stubborn, blind, optimistic dreamers known to man. Contradictory, but true. It makes me laugh.
I’ve always been a philosopher of sorts. Those closest to me throughout my whole life have agreed that while I am lovable, I am weird. I’m not offended... it’s a commentary on my ability to avoid drama and not sweat the small stuff from very early on. I’ve always known deep down that there is something larger than us at work and that our lives are mere blips on the radar of eternity. I knew before I even read Paulo Coelho’s The Alchemist that our only job on this earth is to follow the truth in our heart and do what we were put here to do. I guess you could say I’m an old soul. The irony is, with all of this ancient wisdom, it takes me forever to see what is right in front of me. For example, one of my callings is to be a teacher. But it took me 18 years to figure that out!
When I told my mom, eight years ago, that I was thinking of switching careers and heading into the classroom, she said, “Well, Hallelujah! It‘s about time!” Excuse me? Had we talked about this? Did she know something I didn’t? She pressed, “Don’t you remember as a little girl you would grade the pages of your coloring books?” I had a vague recollection of putting stars and smiley faces on the pictures I colored and writing comments like, “Careful to stay in the lines next time.” I remembered sitting my dolls all around my bedroom and standing in the front of them at a chalkboard easel teaching cursive. Yet strangely, as I got older and began planning for my future, teaching wasn’t even on my radar. I didn’t know what I wanted to do, but it wasn’t in a classroom. It was in a city with skyscrapers. I envisioned wearing a suit and carrying a briefcase. So, after graduating from college I moved to Rochester, NY and got a job downtown. It turns out I loved getting dressed for work. I hated my job.
One day I received a promotional mailing from a local university that said, “Find your SELF in Society.” To make a long story short (a lot happens in 18 years), I took the class, which led to a master’s degree in counseling, which led a job as a guidance counselor in an elementary school. I was getting closer to my calling, but couldn’t see that if it was painted on a billboard in my front yard. So I counseled for 12 years and was still not really happy. Out of boredomI started taking classes on my own time in subjects I love: history, philosophy, literature. One day my boss said, “You need to be teaching high school. I’m going to be sorry I said this, because I don’t want to lose you. But I hear the passion in your voice when you talk about your classes... you need to teach high school!” Fast forward, I got certified to teach shortly after that conversation and “the rest is history” (sorry, I couldn’t resist!).
So why did it take me 20 years and someone else’s insight to finally recognize what has been true in my heart from the very beginning? God only knows. But I am hopeful that now that I can see this so clearly, it will it help me recognize and nourish more of my truths more readily.
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